Part 2: AUSSIE DIVISION
Pt 1 of the NBA Straya Season Preview came out Friday… read it here… now for the Aussies! NBA Straya’s ‘Stuff that we’re kinda-halfway-definitely-maybe certain of’ season predictions! Part 2: the Aussies!
by Jaymz Clements — NBA Straya
BEN SIMMONS WILL PLAY FOR THE SIXERS THIS SEASON… BUT THEY’LL BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM
Look. The last few eps of NBA Straya have been about Box Hill Benny’s wildly dumb approach to his wildly dumb ‘holdout’, where he’s completely overplayed his hand and ruined whatever leverage he thought he had, while simultaneously tanking his own trade value, ironically, making it harder for him to be moved by Philly. Good job, Simmons braintrust. For their next trick, they’ll manage the COVID vaccine rollout in Australia!
Right now though? The best, smartest and most pant-shittingly hilarious move would be for Ben to grow a pair, have a chat with his teammates, and suit up for the Sixers and play. That would prove he’s got a hint of courage, maybe isn’t a complete lost-cause AND give his trade value the shot in the arm IT WOULD’VE ALREADY RECEIVED HAD HE PLAYED FOR THE BOOMERS IN TOKYO…
Cos make no qualms about it: I’m still pissed at Simmons for skipping Tokyo and dogging the boys, even if they won Bronze without him… because it was DUMB AS HELL then, and looks even dumber now. What better way to build up your trade value after completely fucking torpedoing it in the East Semis against the Hawks by going out there with the Boomers and SHOWING everyone what Ben could do with a team of shooters and built around his strengths could do? Huh? I’m asking! What!?
So… the smart thing would be for Box Hill Benny to swallow his pride for a second, act like a fkn grown up, be a good teammate and play for the team that is paying him $33millon this year to, yknow, play for them.
Which means, based on all evidence in front of us, Ben Simmons will do the dumbest thing possible and NOT play for the Sixers. And will eventually be traded to somewhere he’s gonna hate. So, enjoy Indianapolis… or Sacramento… or Cleveland, Ben. Sucked in. At least King Delly will be able to recommend some coffee spots and the best places to neck tins.
BUT also. I predict that the Sixers, in realising they can play MORE of Tyrese Maxey and Aussie Matty T — yknow, blokes who aren’t afraid to shoot — they’ll be better off without the Simmons drama hanging around them like your weird uncle when you first introduced your high school girlfriend to your family.
If the Sixers extend both Maxey and Matty T’s minutes, you’ll see more of a balance from the Sixers at the 1, where they can mix and match those two with Danny ‘Not The Boxer’ Green and Seth ‘The Shit One’ Curry, and have more scoring (Maxey) or just as good defense (Matty T) than rolling out a bloke who didn’t take a 4th quarter shot for the final four games of an Eastern Conference Semi Finals series his team ultimately lost. Cos, yknow. He was afraid.
AUSSIE MATTY T WILL PLACE TOP 5 IN DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Speaking of which… When you’ve got a per-36 min average of 2.9 steals and 2 blocks, it’s pretty safe to say you’re good at defense. It’s about as safe as saying ‘geez, I reckon my mate Fat Paul who really likes pies can REALLY put away those pies’ — it’s self evident. For instance, Ben Simmons — noted shit bloke, but very good defender — only averaged 1.8 stls least year per-36… and Jimmy Butler led the league last year in steals per game… with a per-36 number of 2.2.
So. How do you replace Ben Simmons’ D if you’re the Sixers? I dunno… play the other Aussie guard who could win Defensive Player of the Year.
And who isn’t a coward when it comes to shooting.
WE REALISE THAT JIMMY WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG & THE ONLY PERSON HOLDING PATTY ‘THRILLS’ MILLS BACK WAS…. GREGG POPOVICH
We’ve all heard it: ’FIBA Patty’.‘OLYMPIC Patty’. ‘BOOMER Patty’. Guess what: they’re all the same person. (Ohhhhhhderrrrrrrr). But also, the argument goes, like Dean Jones in the heat of Madras in 1986 or ‘Aussie’ Pat Rafter playing Davis Cup, they all exist because Patty Mills goes to another level when representing his country.
I call bullshit. I say that FIBA Patty, Olympic Patty, Boomer Patty should also be indistinguishable from NBA Patty… or, simply, Patty Thrills. The reason we haven’t had that breakthrough? Two words.
Gregg. Fucking. Popovich.
OBVIOUSLY… For 20 bloody years Pop was wildly successful. He ALSO had Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and a raft of gritty, talented, role-playing vets around them. It meant that when Patty got to San Antonio, he fit in perfectly and played the important role of bench gunner/spark-plug around the Spurs established veterans. It worked, too! As a franchise, the Spurs won 5 bloody titles over 20 years and, with Patty, won the title in 2014 playing some of the most beautiful basketball you’ll ever goddamn see.
Yet… as Duncan and Ginobili retired and Parker left (after stealing some money from Charlotte for a year), and Kawhi stank up the joint before ghosting Pop with a ‘new fone, who dis’… Patty’s role stayed…
**Looks at notes**
… exactly. The. Fucking. Same?
No matter the evidence to the contrary — performances the world over for the Boomers, his uptick whenever given a chance for extended minutes, his obvious talent to anyone with working eyesight and watching the Spurs play — Pop kept Patty in the role Pop had always had for Patty.
No. Fucking. More.
Patty’s in Brooklyn, and Kyrie Irving’s off being a giant fuuuuhaaaacaaakwhit, tilting at windmills while believing he’s a mix of Muhammad Ali and Barack Obama because he thinks… … well. He doesn’t really know what he thinks. Not that vaccines are ‘bad’, he reckons, but that people shouldn’t *have* to take vaccines. Vaccines that will help prevent them or those around them from dying? Is that right Kyrie? But you support both sides? You just have questions? What are they? You absolute fkn dunderhead?
Anyway. Patty still won’t have the ball-dominant role he has for the Boomers, not with James Harden and Kevin Durant on his team, but he WILL get more of a chance to shine, even coming off the bench for a Nets team that’s loaded for bear.
And that’s all I want. A #FreePatty. And now we’ve got it.
JOSH GREEN SHOULD GET MINUTES, BUT WON’T GET ENOUGH TO MAKE ME HAPPY
Goddamn, I’m already angry at Jason Kidd.
ANYWAY. If Greeny can up his shooting percentages and actually deliver when he gets his chances this year — unlike every time he took a 3 last year, for instance — a new coach could be chance for him to break out.
SADLY… the Mavs already have a wildly deep rotation so Greeny’s gonna have play out of his skin when he gets a chance to prove his worth. Thing is, he’s the optimal bloke to put next to Luka: a crazy athletic wing who can do a bit of everything. Here’s hoping he gets a chance to show ’em what he can do… but either way, unless he’s playing, like, 26mins a game, I’ll still be angry.
HOUSTON WAIVED DANTE EXUM COS HE’S TOO GOOD & WILL SUFFER KARMIC RETRIBUTION
Goddammit. In the pre-season Dante showed all the flashes we saw in Tokyo: a great first step, attacking and finding moving targets, giving them a bit of actual perimeter D… so of course, the Rockets decided to waive him and stick with DJ Augustin as their veteran bench PG… for a team that will desperately need someone better than DJ Augustin to play that role.
Because you know what no team that’s ever had DJ Augustin has said?
‘Oh boy are we glad we’ve got DJ Augustin!’
That’s how you end up playing for 10 teams, and the fans of literally 10 teams remember exactly ZERO moment where they’ve gone ‘gee, I don’t mind DJ Augustin’
(Apart from maybe that out-of-body experience he had for the Magic where he dropped 25 & 6, hit 4 3s and they randomly won Game 1 of the first round against the Raptors… … in the year the Raptors won the fkn title. That game is still one of the weirdest games, like, ever. The Raptors won the REST OF THE GAMES BY AN AVERAGE OF 18.75 POINTS!)
ANYWAY. Fuck DJ Augustin, and fuck the Rockets. Choosing a mediocre 33-yo journeyman career back up costing them $7M a year vs a 26-yo weapon fresh off helping the Boomers win the Bronze in Tokyo? Again. Fuck the Rockets.
That’s the shit you pull when you realise that the 26-yo weapon will help you win games, and you’re not in the business of doing that this year.
It hurts as well, because Dante seemingly fit in so well with that Rockets team, putting his mix of athleticism and defense next to young guns like Jalen Green and Kevin Porter Jr could’ve only helped… but again. That’s not the Rockets way this year. Someone should wake their money-losing owner The Frittata and tell him that keeping old, shitty players over young, good players is a pretty good way to fuck your franchise even more than you’ve managed over the past five years. (remind me, what was the return for James Harden? A slab? A jar of pickles? Did they even get a free copy of Viktor Oladipo’s horrible RnB record?)
The only thing that warms my cockles about this is that the Rockets are now on the NBA Straya shitlist & will cop some brutal karmic retribution. They’ll be tanking for the #1 pick & somehow end up 5th, even if it’s not possible. Because FUCK the Rockets.
ROCK EM SOCK EM BLOCK EM JOCK EM LANDALE WILL OUTPLAY TEENAGE MUTANT JAKOB POETL
…if he gets a chance to. Gregg Popovic’s love for rookies is well documented (ie, he loves ‘em about as much as I love NOT drinking beers)… but he also loves Australians. Gazey. Hammer. Patty. And should Melbourne United’s finest get a chance, he brings more to the table than Poetl — INCLUDING a way sicker hairy — and Pop would be one coach who could a) identify that, and b) utilise him better than just about anyone.
Either way, as soon as he adjusted to the pace of Olympic basketball following the NBL season, Jock looked great… if he can do the same in the NBA, he’ll be laughing. And so will I. hahahahahaha. Teenage Mutant Jakob Poetl.
THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP — JINGLIN’ JOE INGLES — SHOULD ACTUALLY WIN 6TH MAN OF THE YEAR BUT PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS
I mean. He should’ve won it LAST season. But people are idiots. So I expect nothing to change. All Jingles does is set up team-mates, knock down 3s, play hard-nosed D, and make your team better. But where’s the fun in that? (Smdh)
SO! The prediction is that Jingles SHOULD win it. But won’t. Cos people are idiots and will give it to a flog like, I dunno, German Rondo, Dennis Schroder or something equally dumb.
JOSH GIDDEY aka THE MOPTOP MAMBA WON’T WIN ROOKIE OF THE YEAR… BUT HE’LL WIN THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR OF OUR HEARTS
I mean. Have you SEEN Jalen Green? That bloke is fucking electric, and unless he gets into a fight with Kevin Porter Jr about who gets to shoot the ball — not an unrealistic outcome, btw — he’s going to run away with Rookie of the Year. He’s got the talent, the game, the skills, the ‘aways on’ green light, the flair AND the hair. Jalen Green will win Rookie of the Year in an Enes Kanter.
BUT. Yarraville’s own Josh Giddey, former Adelaide 36er, the #6 pick in this year’s draft, a bloke who looks like he’s about to invite you back to his panel van for a few cheeky billys… will have most of Australia going ‘I’VE GOT A NEW FAVOURITE NBA PLAYER WHO’S THE SON OF A FORMER NBL PLAYER, ALSO FUCK BEN SIMMONS’.
Yknow. Moreso than they already were.
Which was a lot.
A. LOT.
ANYWAY! Expectations for Giddey, aka the MOPTOP MAMBA, are getting sneakily high after a few solid outings in pre-season for his OKC Zombie Sonics.
And that’s the best part: where he is! He’s on a team with exactly ZERO expectations beyond ‘be fun’ and ‘develop your game’. Which is perfect for Giddey, and, obviously, his game. It lets him get up to speed with the NBA game, something he’s looked more and more comfortable with over the pre-season, and will only get better during the season.
Because, I mean, the kid just turned fucking 19. NINETEEN! Do you know what I was doing at 19? Seriously. Do you? Cos a) I can’t really remember, and b) cos it was definitely NOT playing in the NBA… in fact it was probably a combo of c) being a fucking idiot, d) working in a bar and e) NOTHING.
Meanwhile, Moptop Mamba is in the NBA, learning his craft with great coaches and few expectations outside of ‘get better’.
And every time I’m asked about Josh Giddey, I always come back to simple idea of:
Look at his game at the start of the last NBL season.
Then look at his game by the end of it.
And then, finally, look at his game now.
It’s improved more than my 19-yo self’s sense of fashion to now (really 19-yo Jimmy, brown op-shop suit pants go with EVERYTHING? You idiot.)
He’s going to fkn CRUSH it. He’s got a slew of young and fun teammates around him (SGA, Lu Dort, Poku, Kenny Williams, Darius ‘Rucker’ Bazley,… Derrick Favours!?), where even if they suck, they’re going to be more fun than getting your best mate shitfaced then pulling the ol’ ‘Draw Sharpie Dicks On His Head Before He Has To Go To Centrelink The Next Morning & Doesn’t Have Time For A Shower’ trick.
But he’ll be a flying moptop of delightful trickery and weirdly wonky playmaking that’ll endear him to Australian fans quicker than you can say ‘Yeah, not bad’ to your mate when he asks how it goin’.
So. While he may not win Rookie Of The Year, he’ll definitely win Rookie Of The Year Of Our Hearts.
Enjoy the season — and stay up to date with the DAILY eps of NBA Straya , subscribe to NBA Straya USING THIS LINK .. #Onyas
