PART 1: NON-AUSSIE DIVISION
by Jaymz Clements — NBA STRAYA
Wait. The NBA season starts next week!? WHAT THE HELL MAN. Mate. Between the Finals and doing shoeys during the Olympics, I barely got a holiday… but as they say, no rest for the super-lazy. That’s not what they say? Look. Shut up. I’m in charge here. Anyway, actual NBA basketball happens again next week… and we’ve had the NBA Straya Season preview rolling through the podcast over the last few weeks, and it finishes on Monday with a look at our specific tiers of contenders, pretenders, spenders, wannabenders, on-the-menders and Dragan Benders.
BEFORE THAT, however, we’re gonna get stuck into SOME REAL ACTUAL PREDICTIONS for the upcoming season.
Stuff that we’re kinda-halfway-definitely-maybe certain of. Y’know… that isn’t just like ‘Maybe Zion Being Drafted Somewhere With Ample Gumbo Was a Bad Idea’ and ‘I Like Josh Giddey A Lot, and ‘This IS Who wins in a fight between Doc Rivers and Dave Simmons.’ (It’s Dave)
So, let’s get to it.
LUKA WINS THE MVP… ALL COS THE BOOMERS EMBARRASSED HIM
Revenge won’t bring back that Bronze medal Luka saw slip through his fingers in a hail of Patty Thrills kickarsery, Jingles triples, Nick Kay fundamentally sound layups and Aussie Matty T hustle (and drunken NBA Straya live-stream shoeys)… but, like me playing air-bass as soon as I hear the Chilli Peppers cover, it WILL spur him onto higher ground.
Luka has a team of vets, a new coach who will let him control everything with the ball in his hand, and (maybe) a super-charged Zinger (burger) as an effective offsider who won’t overshadow him. Because this is the time — year 3 into year 4 — when the MVP candidates, the capital ‘A’ All-time greats, ALWAYS take a step. Giannis, Steph, KD, Harden, D-Wade, Pierce, KG, Kobe, MJ… all took an extra leap or solidified their spots as *legit* superstars around this point in their career. Even LeBron — one of the most fully-formed players to enter the league (non-Tim Duncan division) dragged a sorry-arse Cavs team to the Finals in Year 4 as if to say ‘yeah, now you’ve got to take me seriously — i just got Larry Hughes to the fkn Finals’.
Based on what we saw in the second half of last year (28/8/8 with 49FG% and 38 3P%) and then again in the Olympics (24/9/9 on 44 FG% & 30 3P%) when he dragged a Slovenian team with less top-level talent than the Keilor Under 14s Mixed netball squad all the way to the Final Four, Luka’s scoring hit a higher level and his shooting was more consistent as he got in better shape. And if you’ve seen him lately, we could EASILY be about to witness the ‘Luka Doncic Kicking Arse & Taking Names Tour 2021–22’.
Is it out of the question Luka averages 27/9/9? No!
How about 30–10–10? Again, No!
Is it out of the question the Mavs ride their ‘White Hot Luka with capable Zinger & enough pieces around them’ team to 50+ wins, and perhaps the Western Conference Finals? With the West in a weird state of flux this season? Also, No!
Of course, with that EXTREME whinging streak we witnessed in Tokyo… is out of the question that he scowls at Jason Kidd 187 times a game while waving him off and Kidd gets fired during/after the season? Again, No!
But still. I think this Dallas team is primed to win enough games to make the Doncic case legit, and unlike some of the other contenders (KD, AD, LeBron etc), he’s the lone star on his team. SO. Unless LeBron decides to play every game and wants the MVP, or Steph just goes ‘eff it’, and scores 40 a night, Luka will win the MVP
Speaking of which!
LEBRON SPENDS ALL SEASON TRYING TO STOP ALL THE PLAYERS HE PROMISED A ROLE IN SPACE JAM 3 TO FROM FINDING OUT THEY’RE DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO BE IN SPACE JAM 3
Rusty Westbrook. Dwight Howard. Carmelo Anthony. Rondo. DeAndre Jordan. LeBron wasn’t recruiting JUST the 2013–14 NBA All-Star Team, he was 100% recruiting the next iteration of the Monstars… oh, and Trevor Ariza, noted glommer-on to his famous buddies film work.
The thing is, it took Space Jam 2: A Tradition of New Heritage Of Warner Brothers Advertising about 5 years to come together, get filmed and be released. In that time, LeBron went from beloved saviour of Cleveland, to, well… weird LA interloper? ‘Whacky’ Dad? Taco spokesman? Fuck, I dunno. Does anyone in LA even believe LeBron is a ‘true’ Laker? Like… what’s the level of Laker love for LeBron? Forget Kobe, obviously, he’s never reaching that level. Do they love him ‘more’ than Shaq? No chance! More than, like, Pau Gasol? Probably not, right? Weirdly, for how great he is, I’m not convinced any Laker fan born before 2000 loves LeBron any more than someone like, I dunno, Shannon Brown? Brian Shaw? Derek Fisher? It’s so weird. At the very least, I think we can all agree that he’s definitely NOT more beloved Laker than Sasha ‘The Machine’ Vujacic. Shit. I think ‘The Flying Carpet’ Alex Caruso might’ve been more of a beloved Laker than LeBron?
ANYWAY. The point — I promise I have one — is that LeBron has DEFINITELY promised ALL of his new recruits a spot in Space Jam 3… which will probably come out in 2028, with LeBron mulling coaching his shitty kid or some other bullshit… and Russell Westbrook, Melo, and even Dwight and DeAndre are thinking they’re gonna be in it. (Rondo was 100% never gonna be in it)
There’s no chance LeBron is casting a bunch of old washed up former NBA players to all be in it though.. so at some point in the season it’s gonna click for ALL of them that the promises LeBron made about Space Jam 3 means they’re ALL gonna be vying for the ‘dudes on the golf course with LeBron, just like Larry Bird and Bill Murray and fucking Newman from Seinfeld in the first one’ roles.
And it’ll be VERY interesting to see what the fallout is.
(Also. Wow was Space Jam 2 shithouse.)
BUT also. I am FASCINATED by the Lakers, because — if they’re healthy, more on that in a second — they could give 60 wins a nudge in their sleep.
LeBron and AD have proven to be more terrifying than looking at your jocks after you rip a particularly nasty fart after a kebab and a night on the tins, and now they’ve got Rusty, who brings it literally every single goddamn night like a methed-up energiser bunny who takes bad 3s BUT can fill in for LeBron when he sits. The way I looked at it when the Rusty trade happened on NBA Straya was to think of the Lakers as AD and Westbrook… and then remember that fucking LEBRON is there to fill in all the gaps.
BUT, so much hangs on, as mentioned “if” they stay healthy, and already they aren’t. Ariza is out for two months with his ankle, Wayne ‘Wayno’ Ellington’s already nursing a hammy, THT’s gone for a bit after surgery on his thumb, and Kendrick ‘Lamar’ Nunn and Malik Monk are dealing with an ankle and groin respectively.
The rest of the roster is a wild ride… Rondo will struggle to be worth more than the hassle he causes, but once the playoffs start, MAYBE you can rely on him? I mean. They did two years ago? So… maybe they can again?
Melo is more cooked than one of my old man’s steaks, so are Deandre and Dwight, and the thought going in was really, barring injury, the Lakers need SO little from them… that if it DID matter, well, that might mean they’re fucked anyway, you know? They’re handy backups in VERY short spurts, and the roster feels like they’ll be needed for more than that.
But now all their young dudes are already hurt, and this roster makes you look at it, then look at it again, then you inadvertently make a noise like Tim the Tool Man Taylor as your brain tries to process it.
Shit. I think they might actually NEED Sekou Doumbouya?
That all said… if Westbrook and AD are healthy all season, and LeBron doesn’t miss more than, say, 3–4 weeks? The Lakers will be fine.
The tough part is, the West — especially its mid-tier — is a bloodbath this year, with only Houston and OKC trying not to be good… and we’ve seen time and time again relying on old dudes to get you through a season is more of a fools errand than sending the apprentice out for a left-handed hammer.
They’ll be good enough to beat anyone on any given night, and the young dudes will definitely help once they’re healthy, but that roster churn will stop them from truly dominating.
So, after all that, the prediction is when the season finishes, your Los Angeles Lakers of Los Angeles California, are outside the Top 3 in the West.
CADE CUNNINGHAM, AFTER VISITING DETROIT, REALISES HE MIXED UP DETROIT AND MIAMI
Before he was drafted by Detroit, Cade Cunningham had never been to Detroit. Because he said ‘I want to play for Detroit. I want to be in Detroit.’
So, not only did Cade Cunningham become the #1 pick the in the NBA draft, he also become the 1st person ever to say ‘I want to be in Detroit’.
After a few months actually realising what he thought was Detroit was **actually** Miami and experiencing the actual Detroit, I fully expect him to go ‘nah, fuck all this snow and depression. I wanna go to Miami’.
Which means Jalen Green will romp in Rookie of the Year.
JORDAN ‘JEREMY’ CLARKSON IS THE NEW JAMAL CRAWFORD/ LOU WILLIAMS BECAUSE WE’RE LAZY
Because everyone will keep voting for him as 6th Man of the Year, despite the fact you, that’s right, the person reading this, will play more NBA-level defense this year. Just call it ‘bench scorer of the year’ and be done with it.
BRAD BEAL REALISES THAT HE’S MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE
… And is the first star this year to go ‘Yeah, Nah… I want out of here hey’. Folks think Washington will be good… I think they have a rookie head coach (Wes Unseld Jr), a new point guard (Spencer ‘SPENCELL’ Dinwiddie), a raft of Lakers castoffs (Kuzma, the Notorious KCP, Montrezl ‘Better PR Kenneth Faried’ Harrell), a bevy of recently drafted young dudes (Rui Hachimura, Deni Avdija and this year’s #15 pick Corey Kispert), the well-paid corpse of Davis Bertans, a returning-from-injury Thomas ‘Not Kobe’ Bryant… and Daniel Gafford. Who’s fkn AWESOME.
But I feel like it’s a LOT of moving new parts, with a weirdly large amount of positional redundancy, and if they start off slowly — which feels likely — Beal looks around and thinks ‘actually, it WOULD be fucking cool to play next to Joel Embiid just up the road’.
Boom. Ben Simmons for Brad Beal, everyone’s problems answered.
CP3 ACTUALLY CALLS ADAM SILVER FROM THE COURT IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A CALL
To be honest, by the NBA Finals last season, I expected this one to already have happened. CP3’s whinging and stomping hit some pretty high peaks in Houston as the small-ball Rockets predictably flamed out, and continued apace for the Thunder and then the Phoenix Suns last year, all while he was the NBA Player’s Association el presidente … but this season, after the Rules Committee decided to crackdown on CP3’s two favoured methods of drawing fouls (bringing the ball up and jumping into a trailing defender AND jumping into a defender once they’ve already left their feet and blithely trying to convince the ref he was shooting) I expect CP3 to FULLY crack it and pull a Joe Horn by running to the bench, grabbing his phone and calling Adam Silver to ‘FIX THIS SHIT’.
You can see it now, can’t you? CP3, bug eyed, pointing at the phone while yelling into it and screaming alternately at Monty McCutchen and a just-woken Adam Silver (wearing one of those old-timey sleeping caps). It’s gonna happen. Book it.
KYRIE WILL GET VACCINATED & I CAN THANKFULLY FORGET ALL THIS DUMB FUCKING SHIT
Kyrie: “Hey everyone, I’m just asking questions.”
Everyone: “Okay Kyrie! In that case, here are a some of the world’s best and smartest scientists, doctors and epidemiologists to answer any and all questions you have.”
Kyrie: ”I SAID I’m JUST asking questions!”
FFS. Standing up for your beliefs really only matters when you actually know what your beliefs, yknow, *are*. It also hits different when it starts costing you 380K a game and you start thinking how that $17M you’re about to waste could be put to good use. Just ask Ben Simmons.
Pt 2 — the AUSSIE DIVISION WILL BE OUT ON MONDAY
In the meantime, subscribe to NBA Straya USING THIS LINK & get caught up with all the Season Preview shows! #Onyas
