INT: Target Center, Minneapolis, Minnesota 21 Years Ago
The Minnesota Timberwolves, led by Kevin Garnett, are blowing out the Golden State Warriors. Australian basketball’s golden child SHANE ‘The Hammer’ HEAL sits on the bench, eagerly awaiting his chance to shine. Wolves coach FLIP SAUNDERS finally turns to our hero…
FLIP SAUNDERS [looking down the bench]: You. Blondie…
HEAL [frantically ripping at his snap pants]: Me, coach?
FLIP: Did you suddenly grow a foot and get bad at basketball?
HEAL: No coach…
FLIP: Well then, I’m not f—in’ talking to Cherokee Parks am I?
[CHEROKEE PARKS looks up, a hurt look on his face]
HEAL: No coach…
FLIP: All right: you ready to go Blondie?
HEAL: Coach, I’ve been ready since I first bleached the tips of my hair aged 4! I’ve been ready since I debuted for the Brisbane Bullets at 17! I’m the Aussie Dale Ellis, I’ve been ready to go out there and drop threes since…
FLIP SAUNDERS: Shut the hell up Blondie… just get in there next stoppage and check Mark Price.
HEAL: Yes coach!
[turning to CHEROKEE PARKS and STOJKO VRANKOVIC]
HEAL [cont.]: Cherokee! Didya hear that!? Coach is gonna put me in and we get to play together!
CHEROKEE [looking around furtively]: Cool man, cool… Hey, wanna buy these pills?
HEAL: Um… No?
CHEROKEE: I’ve got a VCR in my car, you need a VCR?
HEAL [confused]: Nah, I’m good Cherokee… thanks though. Hey, Stojko! We’re gonna get in the game together!
STOJKO: Quiet pretty little girl man, Stojko make goulash.
HEAL [confused]: On the bench?
STOJKO: Is make Stojko strong. Like bear.
HEAL: Whatever, you’re not as strong as bear.
STOJKO: One time, Stojko use bear to kill other bear.
HEAL [eagerly]: Yeah, well, I got this gig after tryna punch on with Charles Barkley! And now Ima punch the Warriors in the mouth with the HAMMER!
STOJKO: One time, Stojko use hammer to kill bear.
HEAL: Jeezus. What’s with all the bears Stojko? And goddamn that goulash stinks…
STOJKO: Yes… Is no good for smells. Especially smells Stojko make… Is bad.
[pauses]
Very bad…
[pauses]
You want buy some goulash?
HEAL: Nah, I’m good.
STOJKO: How about one of the pretty ladies Stojko has in cellar back home? Some are even as pretty as you! Stojko give you good price!
HEAL: … What the hell Stojko!?
CHEROKEE [poking his head up]: I’ll happily sell you these pills.
HEAL: Wha…
[HEAL is suddenly violently shoved out of the way by KEVIN GARNETT walking off the court]
KEVIN GARNETT: Get THE F—K out the road pretty boy.
HEAL: Yes sir.
KG [whispering loudly in HEAL’s ear]: Hey kid. You ever seen a dead body?
HEAL: Ah… no sir? Also, sir, I’m older than y…
KG: You will if you suck tonight…
HEAL: B-b-but… if I’m dead how, then how will I see *my* dead body?
KG [screaming]: …I SAID SHUT THE F—K UP KID.
HEAL: Y-y-yes sir.
FLIP [yelling]: DAMMIT BLONDIE! THERE’S FIVE MINUTES LEFT AND WE’RE UP BY 25! GET THE HELL ON THE COURT!
HEAL [ripping off snap pants and tripping over them]: YES COACH!
FLIP [shaking his head]: Chrissakes
HEAL[running on the court screaming incoherently]
YARRHAHAHRHRHAGGHGHHHHH!!!!!
*****
NARRATOR: That night Shane ‘the Hammer’ Heal played five minutes, missing both field goals he attempted — one of them a three from what was described as ‘the carpark’ — and registering a single assist. In an effort to avoid a case of ‘Death by Kevin Garnett’, it was the last time Heal would see the court for the Wolves until mid-March…
#ONYA Hammer!
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