One year ago today, Aron ‘Bangers’ Baynes — everyone’s favourite dump truck disguised as an NBA player — tied his hair up in a man bun tighter than Warwick Capper’s shorts and led his Detroit Pistons to a big win over the Philadelphia 76ers… and put up his THIRD best game of the year!
Despite having a head like someone shaved a honeydew melon, shoved it on a busted broom handle and chucked a head of garlic on top, in only 22 minutes Bangers went ballistic, punching the Sixers in the goolies 12 points on 5-of-8 shooting from the field. He also hit two free throws with the confidence of a man whose junk is so impressive old Tommy Heinsohn still sees it every time he closes his eyes.
But the Mareeba Marvel has more tools than a Coolangatta carpenter, so it’s no surprise the Big Fella also added 7 rebounds torn down with the force of a thousand collapsing suns, and an assist that was *so* perfect that Stan Van Gundy commissioned bloody Ken Done to paint a tribute to it.
Not only that, while looking like a lost cast-member from The Ferals, Bangers had a single block that snapped poor bloody Richaun Holmes’s soul in half, leaving one part of him wandering the netherworld whispering ‘Baynesy… Baynesy’ into the ear of every Sixers fan when they visit the Motor City, and had 2 rubbish fouls called on him before the refs realised they should fear for their lives if they called a third.
And, just to prove stats are for nerds, they reckon Bangers was a -10 for the game, yet he somehow ended up with a mind-boggling +160 Offensive Rating? That makes less sense than Sam Newman looking younger now than he did in 1995.
Anyway, 12 points, 7 rebounds, 1 assist and 1 block in 22 minutes! You little bloody ripper Bangers!
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