#NBA #Straya Never Forget!
January 18, 1997
INT: The Target Center, Minneapolis, MINNESOTA
*The 17-21 Minnesota Timberwolves are playing the 15-23 Golden State Warriors. Minnesota coach FLIP SAUNDERS prowls the sidelines, barking orders & glaring at a rookie Stephon Marbury. The Wolves erase a 2-point deficit in the 4th quarter, taking the lead behind 19-year-old Kevin Garnett’s 27 points. Golden-haired shooting guard, SHANE HEAL, sits at the end of the bench in sweats, waiting for a chance to shine.*
[Turning to the bench, FLIP SAUNDERS looks to its far end before seemingly making a decision]
FLIP SAUNDERS
Hey, you. Blondie.
SHANE HEAL [looking around, confused]
Who? Me, coach?
FLIP
Well, I’m not f*cking talking to Cherokee Parks now, am I?
[CHEROKEE PARKS looks up, a confused and hurt look on his face]
SHANE
I guess not.
FLIP
Are you ready to go?
SHANE
Mate, I was BORN ready.
FLIP
I’m not your mate, Blondie.
You call me Coach, or I’ll call you a plane to take you back to fucking Austria or wherever the fuck you’re from. You hear?
SHANE
[taken aback]
Of course; sorry Coach.
FLIP
Shup up Blondie. I just need you to do one thing for me.
SHANE
[eagerly]
Of course Coach! You name it. You want me to light it up and score 20? Hit a bunch of threes? Run point and fire some on-point assists to Kevin? Hell; you want me to fight someone? They don’t call me Shane ‘the Hammer’ Heal for nothing!
FLIP
Jeezus. Shut the hell up Blondie. We’re up 15. I need you to go in for the last 2 minutes. Guard Mark Price, and if someone passes you the ball, don’t screw around. Don’t turn it over. If you have the ball, just shoot it.
SHANE
[taken aback]
Coach… that’s…. that’s what I was put on this Earth to do. I won’t let you down.
FLIP
You better not, or I’ll make sure you have to clean Stojko Vrankovic’s jockstrap for the rest of the season.
STOJKO VRANKOVIC
(European import center seated next to Heal)
[Nodding]
Yes. Is bad.
[pauses]
*Very* bad.
SHANE
[shuddering]
Okay Coach: I’ll do my best.
FLIP
[turning away, bored]
Alright Blondie; warm up.
SHANE
[turning to his teammate excitedly]
Didya hear that Stojko! Coach is gonna put me in!
STOJKO
[disinterested]
Whatever little man. Your pretty blond hair reminds me of ladies Stojko has trapped in basement back home.
SHANE
[taking off his sweats]:
Shut up Stojko; I’m from the mean streets of the Yarra Ranges! People call me The Hammer! I’m beloved back home; I played for the bloody Brisbane Bullets when I was in Year 11! I’ve been pro since I was 17! Hell, I nailed 8 three-pointers on the Dream Team and fought Charles Barkley a couple of months ago!
STOJKO
Stojko once kill bear with bare hands.
SHANE
… Fair enough.
FLIP
BLONDIE! GET IN THERE!
SHANE
[screaming incoherently as he runs on the court]
YARRGRHGHHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
——
*NARRATOR VOICEOVER*
That night, Shane ‘The Hammer’ Heal would go on to do exactly as his coach instructed. In only two minutes on the court, the bleached-blond Australian icon took three shots, making a single one: a three-pointer. It would prove to be the 15th best game of Heal’s NBA career.
*Fin*
——
#ONYA Hammer!
