NBA STRAYA’S 2018 MOCK DRAFT!!!

Welcome to NBA Straya’s mock of the first 14 picks in the NBA draft… this has been a long process of blindly guessing and assuming because after all, what the hell do any of us know? Plus, there are no Aussies, so, like, whatever.

Enjoy.

1 Phoenix

DeAndre ‘The Fonz’ Ayton
- - Dude is a beast
- That’s a HELLUVA lineup with him, Devin Booker & Josh Jackson all of a sudden
- Young… but damn – the combined length of Marquese Chriss, Jackson and Ayton is approximately the same as the Colorado River
- Still, not an Aussie, so until proven otherwise, probably not as good as Aron ‘Bangers’ Baynes

2 Sacramento

Luka ‘Wonderboy’ Doncic
- Dude is gonna be awesome — he’s been playing and kicking GROWN-ASS MEN’s BUTTS since he was 16 — but watch Sacramento fuck this up and take, like, Bagley or something stupid
- Still, he’s not an Aussie, so until proven otherwise, he’s Slovenian Joe Ingles

3 Atlanta

MARVIN ‘Marv’ Bagley III
- Atlanta just love drafting dudes named Marvin who end up being solid but not very good and when all the players around them are much better

So, why not do it again?
Still not an Aussie, so until proven otherwise he’s the poor man’s Thon Maker

4 Memphis

Michael ‘The Flog’ Porter Jr
- Dude already reckons he’s in the conversation with KD and Giannis… which is like me saying I was once in a school play and my style was very OTT, so therefore I’m in the conversation with Samuel L Jackson.
- Anyway – I reckon Memphis take the Flog and he gets traded
- Also not an Aussie, so he’ll always be worse than Ben Simmons

5 Dallas

Mo ‘Lou’ Bamba
- Just imagine it: a decent center in Dallas!?
- … Nah, with Rick Carlisle dogging him he’ll end up a bust for sure, right?
- Still… him next to Dennis Smith Jr!? I dig it.
- Also not an Aussie: Skinny Andrew Bogut it is

6 Orlando

Jaren ‘Triple J Loves Music’ Jackson Jr
- - How he falls this far is nuts… but Orlando walking out of a draft somehow with the dude who might be the best center would pretty typical?
  - Just watch him leave in 5 years tho….
  - Not an Aussie, but clearly loves Richard Kingsmill… he’s basically basketball Lewi McKirdy

7 Chicago

Wendell ‘WENDIGOOOOOO’ Carter Jr
- Sure thing – perfect dude next to Lauri ‘That’s a Girls Name’ Markannen
- Someone on that team eventually needs to play defence, so why not Wendell?
- Wendell isn’t Australian: so until he proves otherwise, he’s Duke Mangok Mathiang

8 Cleveland

Collin ‘Colin’ Sexton
- Hahahahaha… he’s gonna be so good and LeBron’s gonna leave anyway
- Best hair in the draft for sure
- Despite the name, Col is NOT Australian, so he’s got his work cut out for him proving he’ll ever be better than NBA Champion Matthew Dellavedova

9 New York

Kevin ‘Big Kev’ Knox
- This comes down to the Knicks realising they have to put more perimeter talent around the Zinger mang…
- And Kentucky weirdly buried our man… I reckon he’s pretty damn good
- Rumour also has it that Big Kev isn’t Australian.. I DON’T LIKE IT. He’s Kentucky Cam Bairstow

10 Philly

Mikal ‘Mick’ Bridges
- They’re definitely taking ONE of the bridges… and Mikal’s a Philly area ledge already… and his fit next to Big Simmo & Embiid? Love it!
- Watch them trade this for Kyle Lowry or something tho…
- He’s American Ryan Broekhoff with better press at this point

11 Charlotte

Miles ‘Kilometers’ Bridges
- The Hornets SHOULD take Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, but they will go for the older ‘character’ wing guy because they’re dumb… even though if the Hornets took Shai they could move Kemba for No. 8 or something
- But that would be smart
- Wait… Much Kupchak’s in charge now. Will the Hornets be smart!?
- Still, he’s essentially a way worse American Andrew Gaze

12 Clippers

Trae ‘Steph’ Young
- It would be amazing if he fell this far, and I reckon the Clips will jump on either him or Shai.
- This would be great for Young to fall this far — if only because of all the dipshitted talking head bluster of ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUNG FELL THAT FAR’
- …meanwhile he’s a 6-foot PG who COLLEGE defences figured out in about 8 games….
- So he’ll be a great fit in disappointing Clips fans
- And also disappoint anyone who thinks he’s better than NBA Champion Patty Mills

13 Clippers

Robert ‘Bob’ Williams
- This couldn’t be more perfect right? He’s a ready-made DeAndre Jordan replacement/Montrez Harrell 2.
- Watch the Clips then take Lonnie Walker IV or something tho…
- Bob’s Not Australian however, so I still reckon David Andersen could take him

14 Denver

Shai ‘Shaivonte’ Gilgeous-Alexander
- I mean, Lonnie Walker IV would gives Denver a Wilson Chandler replacement of sorts…
- But Denver with a point guard that ISN’T Devin Harris!? Sign me up.
- If there was ever an American Shane ‘The Hammer’ Heal, he might be it…

… and whoever drafts Grayson Allen should get kicked in the nuts by Adam Silver