March 9, 1997
— INT: Target Center, Minneapolis, Minnesota —
The Utah Jazz — led by JOHN STOCKTON and KARL ‘the Mailman’ MALONE — are smothering the Minnesota Timberwolves young core of KEVIN GARNETT and STEPHON MARBURY, and the Wolves are about to lose by double digits. Our hero, SHANE HEAL, sits patiently on the bench, waiting for an opportunity to shine.
Timberwolves coach FLIP SAUNDERS takes a time out and the team crowds around him on the bench…
FLIP: Alright guys. We’re down 15 and there’s 60 seconds left…
[pointing at SHANE HEAL]: What’s your name again Blondie?
HEAL: Sha…
FLIP [interrupting]: I don’t care… when did I last play you?
HEAL: Three weeks ago, sir.
FLIP: Were you good Blondie?
HEAL: Yessir.
FLIP: Hmmm… that doesn’t sound likely.
HEAL: Coach, I had an assist and didn’t turn the ball over or anything!
FLIP: Didn’t you take two shots and miss both of them, so I told you to sit between Stojko Vrankovic and Cherokee Parks for 3 weeks as punishment?
HEAL: …. Yes you did coach… And the smell was bad. I learned my lesson.
STOJKO VRANKOVIC [sitting on bench in an ill-fitting suit, smelling of cigar smoke and goulash]: Yes. Smell is bad.
[pauses]
*Very* bad.
HEAL: See!
FLIP: Shut up Blondie.
[FLIP looks at his watch]
Ahh… What the hell, there’s a minute left and I’ve got a booking at Murray’s Steakhouse in 15 minutes. Get ready to go in.
HEAL: YES! I won’t let you down coach!
FLIP [shrugging]: Whatever…
*FLIP goes back to looking at his whiteboard*
TOM GUGLIOTTA [out of nowhere]: Hey, did you guys know I’m the leading scorer on this team?
HEAL [still struggling with his Fila snap pants]: Yeah, you tell us every day. You even put it up as a sign over your locker.
TOM: Hey, I just think it’s some nice encouragement for you guys. Y’know, if I can succeed, anybody can!
FLIP [muttering]: That’s for damn sure you giant gumby.
TOM: Sorry coach. What’d you say?
FLIP [looking up]: I said, “nice bicep barbwire tattoo, Pamela Anderson”.
TOM: Actually it’s…
FLIP [interrupting]: Googs.
TOM: Yessir?
FLIP: Shut up.
TOM: Yessir.
FLIP [turning back to HEAL]: Alright. Blondie, you ready to go in?
HEAL [excitedly tearing at his Fila snap pants]: Put me in coach; I’m from the mean street of Yarra Junction! I was born ready! The Hammer’s like a… like a… a shark! Yeah! A Hammerhead Shark! The Hammer is an apex predator; The Hammer can only go forward! The Hammer is nothing but sinew and teeth man!
STOJKO VRANKOVIC [now drinking goulash from a thermos]: One time, ven I play in Greece, Stojko kill Hammerhead shark with bare hands.
HEAL: No you didn’t Stojko
STOJKO: Eh, believe vhat you vant to believe pretty man.
[pauses]
You vant some goulash?
HEAL: I’m good.
*suddenly KEVIN GARNETT appears in HEAL’s face from nowhere*
KEVIN GARNETT [screaming in HEAL’s face]: BLONDIE!! YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE TEAR THE BEATING HEART OUT OF A MAN?
HEAL: N-n-n-n-n-o sir
KG: WELL IF YOU SCEW UP YOU WILL
HEAL: I… I’ll try not to… sir
*CHEROKEE PARKS interrupts and taps HEAL on the shoulder, HEAL turns away from KG, relieved*
CHEROKEE PARKS: Hey man.
HEAL [relieved]: Oh, hey Cherokee.
CHEROKEE: Hey man, so, can I um, borrow, like, 50 bucks?
HEAL: What? Cherokee, I’m busy man. And so are you! You’re in the game!.. And so am I!
CHEROKEE: C’mon man, I just need, like 20 bucks. There are some bad dudes after me, and I’m pretty sure they’re here…
HEAL: Cherokee man, not now… I’m about to go on the court for the first time in 3 wee…
STEPHON MARBURY [interrupting from the bench]: Hey blondie; you’re a girl…
HEAL: I’m not a gi…
MARBURY [pointing into the crowd]: … you see that bunch of other babes sitting over there? You gotta go get me their numbers rook…
HEAL: B-b-b-b-b-ut I’m about to go in the game
MARBURY: Ay blonde bish you want a slap upside the head?
HEAL: Nossir…
FLIP [Screaming]: BLONDIE! Get in there dammit!
*HEAL runs on to the court, nearly tripping while tearing off his Fila snap pants*
HEAL [screaming incoherently]: YARRGHHHHHGHAGAGGAHHHHHHHHH!!!
———-
**NARRATOR: that night, Australian basketball’s golden child, Shane ‘The Hammer’ Heal would play one minute, and, having learned his lesson, made sure to play to the benefit of his team, registering 1 rebound and 1 assist, helping the Wolves claw back from 15 points down to… 9 points down in a loss. It was Heal’s 18th best game of his NBA career**
#ONYA Hammer!