21 years ago today, Australian basketball’s golden child, SHANE ‘the Hammer’ HEAL was enduring a frustrating first year in the NBA, stuck between Stojko Vrankovic and Cherokee Parks on the end of the Minnesota Timberwolves bench. With the Wolves beating the Boston Celtics, Wolves coach FLIP SAUNDERS turned to Hammer to seal the deal, and our hero finally got on the court….
FLIP SAUNDERS: BLONDIE!
HEAL: Yes coach!
FLIP: We’re up twenty and there’s 2 minutes left. Can I trust you to bring us home?
HEAL: You can count on me coach!
FLIP: I dunno, your hair makes you look like you’re that pretty boy kid from ‘Home Improvement’….
[pauses]
Man I love that show.
HEAL: Trust me coach! I’ve been playing professionally since I was 16! I tried to fight Charles Barkley and the entire Dream Team a couple of months ago! I’m a legend back home!
FLIP [not paying attention]: I’ll tell ya… hoo-hoo. Tim ‘the Tool Man’ Taylor. Now THERE’S a character we can all relate to…
HEAL: Uh, coach?
FLIP: Huh? What do you want Blondie?
HEAL: You want me to go in?
FLIP: … Sure, whatever. There’s no way we can lose and I’ve gotta beat Antoine Walker to Murray’s Steakhouse so he doesn’t eat everything before I get there.
HEAL: Great! What do you want me to do?
FLIP: Geez, I dunno kid; score, don’t screw up, whatever. I’ve gotta give KG a rest, so just make sure you take Stojko out there with you.
STOJKO VRANKOVIC: Stojko too full of goulash to play.
FLIP: Dammit Stojko, what have I told you about eating goulash on the sidelines?
STOJKO: You say ‘Stojko, don’t east goulash on sidelines’.
FLIP: Damn right.
STOJKO: But Stojko like eat goulash on sidelines. It keep weird drug man Cherokee Parks away from Stojko because of smell.
CHEROKEE PARKS [eyes darting back and forth]: Hey man! Who are you calling a drug man?
[pauses]
… No seriously. If you know anyone, you should hook a brother up.
STOJKO: Quiet drug man, or Stojko put you in basement like women back home.
[pauses]
hmm… Maybe I put Pretty Boy Shane in there… he prettier than all women in Stojko basement.
HEAL: Would you two shut up, I’m trying to psyche myself up to play. The Hammer’s on a hot streak! When I played last week, I hit a three!
STOJKO: Eh… Stojko once wrestle three bears at once and win.
HEAL: Nuh uh, you so didn’t Stojko. You’re such a liar.
STOJKO: Eh, believe vat you vant little pretty man. I also vonce kilt wolf vith hammer…
[KEVIN GARNETT walks over]
KEVIN GARNETT [screaming]: BLONDIE!!!
HEAL [terrified]: U-u-u-u-uh yes, Mr KG, sir?
KG: YOU EVER SEEN THE INSIDE OF YOUR OWN SKULL?
HEAL: W-w-w-w-what?
KG: YOU WILL IF YOU SCREW THIS GAME UP
HEAL [visibly shaking]: I-i-i-i-i-i… I promise I won’t Mr KG
CHEROKEE PARKS: Hey, Shane, you wanna buy a VCR?
HEAL: Cherokee, mate, not right now.
FLIP [yelling]: BLONDIE!
HEAL: Yessir
FLIP: GET THE HELL IN THE GAME!
HEAL [charging onto the court, flailing his arms wildly]: YARAGAGHAHAGAGHAHHHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
***NARRATOR***
That night, SHANE ‘THE HAMMER’ HEAL played 2 minutes and sealed the Wolves 18-point blowout win over the Celtics, taking three shots quicker than you can say Remember When The Quick Blonde Heal Threw a Haymaker At The Big Slow Barkley…Unfortunately, Hammer only hit one of those 3 shots… but it WAS another 3-pointer, launched from what onlookers called ‘Wisconsin’.
It was the 20th and FINAL 3-point shot Heal would make in the regular season, while the three points he scored were similarly the last points he’d put up until the playoffs. But Hammer finished on a high, with per-36 numbers of 54 points and 18 assists, suggesting Flip Saunders should’ve played him more.
Flip, meanwhile, beat Antoine Walker to Murray’s Steakhouse and enjoyed a delightful medium-well T-Bone while chuckling in the banter between Tim ‘The Tool Man’ Taylor and his next-door neighbour Wilson on ‘Home Improvement’.
#ONYA Hammer!