*fancy New York restaurant*
MAÎTRE D’: Welcome and good evening! Do you have a booking?
ME: Yeah, two under…
[looks at wife, grinning]
… DellysaLedge
WIFE: [rolls eyes, sighs]
MAÎTRE D’: Of course. This way, Mr DellysaLedge
ME: [grinning uncontrollably] Certainly.
[MAITRE D’ leads us to a table]
WAITER: Good evening sir, madam. My name is Jacques, and I’ll be your waiter this evening.
ME: G’day Jacques! How ya goin’?
JACQUES: I’m well thank you sir. Now, are you fine folk celebrating anything with us this evening?
ME: You bet your arse we are Jacques – better get a cake and some candles ready mate.
JACQUES: Oh, is a birthday, or an anniversary?
ME: Better than that!
JACQUES: Oh, really?
ME: Damn straight Jacques. You like basketball?
WIFE: [interrupting] Do you have to do this right now?
ME: … … Alright… fine.
JACQUES: …Ok! So can I start you folks off with some drinks?
WIFE: I’ll have the sparkling rosé.
ME: The best, cheapest beer you’ve got there Jacques.
JACQUES: Not a problem; I’ll be back presently with some menus!
[walks away]
WIFE: Are you really going to do this?
ME: Do what?
WIFE: When you told me you’d booked this place I thought it was for a good reason.
ME: This is the BEST reason!! Look at this place, it’s perfect!
JACQUES [returning]: Ok, here we go. A sparkling rosé for the lady, and for you sir, your beer.
ME: Yeah cheers, thanks Jacques.
JACQUES: Ok, would you like to hear today’s specials?
ME: I’m gonna cut you off right there Jacques… You know what’s really special?
JACQUES: Ah, no sir. I don’t.
ME: Do you know who Delly is Jacques?
WIFE: [puts head in her hands]
JACQUES: Delly, sir?
ME: yes Jacques, Delly! … Do you know anything about basketball?
JACQUES: I do sir… Go Knicks.
ME: … … I think you and I are going to have problems Jacques…
JACQUES [confused]: I’m not…
ME: [interrupting] You must know Delly, Jacques… King Delly of Maryborough, First of his Name, Chopper of Knees, Gatherer of Loose Balls and Sinker of Tins?
JACQUES: [laughing nervously] haha… I’m not sure sir?
ME: Outback Jesus?
JACQUES: [shaking head] … I’m sorry sir…
ME: C’mon Jacques, he’s only the best point guard in the NBA mate!
JACQUES: … But I thought that was Lonzo Ball?
ME: … … What …. What the fuck did you just say to me Jacques?
JACQUES: It was a joke sir.
ME: [narrowing eyes] … It bloody well better have been.
JACQUES: Of course it was! No, we all know that the best point guard in the NBA is Chris Paul.
ME: … You and I are going to have a REAL problem Jacques.
JACQUES: I’m sorry sir… Can I… Can I tell you and your lady wife the specials now?
WIFE: [shaking her head slowly while eyeballing me]
ME: … And… I … asked… you… ‘do you know why today is special?’
JACQUES: Sorry sir… why IS today so special?
ME: Glad you asked Jacques! See, today is when Matthew Dellavedova, better known as Delly, the best…
[eyeballs JACQUES]
… point guard in the NBA, made his playoff debut!
JACQUES: Oh! I didn’t know that!
ME: Another reason why you’re gonna struggle getting a tip tonight Jacques.
JACQUES: Sir, I don’t think that’s really necessary…
ME: Well, what WAS necessary was the presence of Delly on the bench for the Cavs against the Celtics. See, even though he only played 8 minutes, he hit the only shot he took, and that was because he was busy setting up his teammates with 3 assists. Do you know what that is per-36 Jacques?
JACQUES: No sir,
ME: Twelve assists Jacques! Twelve!
JACQUES: That’s pretty good!
ME: Too right Jacques! … But I’ll tell ya, he got slowed down by those mongrel anti-Strayan refs too, who slapped him with 3 absolute rubbish fouls.
JACQUES: [conspiratorially] Bastards.
WIFE: [sighing loudly]
ME: Too right Jacques! Now you’re getting it! … anyway, so Delly’d backup Kyrie Irving through these playoffs, giving the Cavs the best PG rotation in the NBA!…. And then when Kyrie got hurt in Game 1 of the Finals, Delly stepped up and nearly led the Cavs to a bloody upset over the Warriors!
JACQUES: That’s pretty impressive sir! This Delly must be pretty good.
ME: Too right Jacques, too right. And it’s a shame his current coach on Milwaukee — that no-nothing spud Joe Prunty — doesn’t realize he’s got the point guard lord and saviour on his bench.
JACQUES: That doesn’t seem smart…
ME: You’re not wrong there Jacques. Anyway… so let’s get the missus fed!
JACQUES: Ok, so here are your menus….
WIFE: I’ll have the fish thank you.
ME: Jeezus Jacques…. are these the prices!?
JACQUES: Yes sir
ME: *vanishes in a puff of smoke that smells like the Maryborough Park Hotel drive-thru bottle-o*
#ONYA Playoff Delly!!
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