*Phone ringing in country Victoria*
MUM [groaning]: Ergh. Hello?
ME: Mum!
MUM [worried]: Jaymz, what’s wrong? Are you ok? It’s 2.30am over here!
ME: Yeah nah, all good. Just wanted to give you a quick buzz.
MUM: Okayyyyyyyy… it’s 2.30am.
ME: Yeah, but this is important.
MUM: Alright, what’s up?
ME: Did you know tha…
MUM: Godammit, are you calling me to tell me useless stats about Delly again?
ME: … ….
MUM: Are you?
ME: … Yes.
*CLICK*
———————–
*One hour later: phone ringing in country Victoria*
MUM [startled awake]: Wha… huh? Hello?
ME: Mum! It’s me! You’re son! Jaymz!
MUM: Sweetheart, it’s 3.30 in the morning; you just called… what is it? Is everything ok?
ME: Sure! I mean, it’s snowing here in New York, but otherwise we’re all ok.
MUM: So why are you calling from the US and waking us up at half past three in the bloody morning?
ME: Look, I just wanted you and Dad to know…
MUM: What?
ME: That two years ago, on this day…
MUM: If you say something about Matthew Dellavedova, you’re out of the will and I’m burning all your Shawn Kemp cards.
ME:… …
MUM: Well?
ME: Have a good sleep, love you!
*CLICK*
———————-
*One more hour later: phone ringing in country victoria*
MUM [answering the phone, angry about being woken up]: WHAT!?
ME: Oh. Hey Mum!
MUM: JAYMZ! What the hell is it? It’s 5.30 in the morning. I’ve already told you…
ME: Nah nah nah, it’s not about that at all. I just wanted you and Dad to know that we’re pregnant!
MUM: OH MY GOD JAYMZ! REALLY! I’m so excited!
ME: Yeah, we’re pretty excited as well! I’ve even got a name picked out already and everything!
MUM: That’s AMAZING news… look, I’m going wake your dad. Here he is…
DAD [groaning]: Urgh. Hello?
ME: Dad! It’s Jaymz.
DAD: What’s going on Jimmy? Why are you calling at 5.30? What time is it in New York.
ME: Like 2.30 in the arvo… But I just wanted you guys to know!
DAD: Know what?
ME: That two years ago, on this day in 2016, in a big win over Denver, King Delly of Maryborough, First of His Name, Gatherer of Loose Balls and Sinker of Tins came off the bench and lit up those altitude-loving Nugget jerks for 10 points on 3-of-7 shooting… and all of the makes were threes! He also hit the only free throw he took!
DAD: What are you talking about? Your mother said something about someone being pregnant?
ME: Yeah nah, that was just to get her to give the phone to you. So anyway, on top of the 10 points, Outback Jesus also had 7 assists and 3 rebounds! AND he only had ONE better game than that for the Cavs before he went to the Bucks!
DAD: Jaymz, you’ve gotta stop this. This is the fourth night straight. Your Mum’s really worked up.
ME: Well, she should be! It’s Delly!
DAD [sighing]: I’m putting your mum back on.
MUM: So… are you really having a kid?
ME: … … Did you know Cleveland haven’t won a title since Delly left?
MUM: GODDAMMIT
*CLICK*
#ONYA Delly!