Welcome to NBA Straya’s mock of the first 14 picks in the NBA draft… this has been a long process of blindly guessing and assuming because after all, what the hell do any of us know? Plus, there are no Aussies, so, like, whatever.
Enjoy.
1 Phoenix
- DeAndre ‘The Fonz’ Ayton
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- Dude is a beast
- That’s a HELLUVA lineup with him, Devin Booker & Josh Jackson all of a sudden
- Young… but damn – the combined length of Marquese Chriss, Jackson and Ayton is approximately the same as the Colorado River
- Still, not an Aussie, so until proven otherwise, probably not as good as Aron ‘Bangers’ Baynes
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2 Sacramento
- Luka ‘Wonderboy’ Doncic
- Dude is gonna be awesome — he’s been playing and kicking GROWN-ASS MEN’s BUTTS since he was 16 — but watch Sacramento fuck this up and take, like, Bagley or something stupid
- Still, he’s not an Aussie, so until proven otherwise, he’s Slovenian Joe Ingles
3 Atlanta
- MARVIN ‘Marv’ Bagley III
- Atlanta just love drafting dudes named Marvin who end up being solid but not very good and when all the players around them are much better
- So, why not do it again?
- Still not an Aussie, so until proven otherwise he’s the poor man’s Thon Maker
4 Memphis
- Michael ‘The Flog’ Porter Jr
- Dude already reckons he’s in the conversation with KD and Giannis… which is like me saying I was once in a school play and my style was very OTT, so therefore I’m in the conversation with Samuel L Jackson.
- Anyway – I reckon Memphis take the Flog and he gets traded
- Also not an Aussie, so he’ll always be worse than Ben Simmons
5 Dallas
- Mo ‘Lou’ Bamba
- Just imagine it: a decent center in Dallas!?
- … Nah, with Rick Carlisle dogging him he’ll end up a bust for sure, right?
- Still… him next to Dennis Smith Jr!? I dig it.
- Also not an Aussie: Skinny Andrew Bogut it is
6 Orlando
- Jaren ‘Triple J Loves Music’ Jackson Jr
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- How he falls this far is nuts… but Orlando walking out of a draft somehow with the dude who might be the best center would pretty typical?
- Just watch him leave in 5 years tho….
- Not an Aussie, but clearly loves Richard Kingsmill… he’s basically basketball Lewi McKirdy
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7 Chicago
- Wendell ‘WENDIGOOOOOO’ Carter Jr
- Sure thing – perfect dude next to Lauri ‘That’s a Girls Name’ Markannen
- Someone on that team eventually needs to play defence, so why not Wendell?
- Wendell isn’t Australian: so until he proves otherwise, he’s Duke Mangok Mathiang
8 Cleveland
- Collin ‘Colin’ Sexton
- Hahahahaha… he’s gonna be so good and LeBron’s gonna leave anyway
- Best hair in the draft for sure
- Despite the name, Col is NOT Australian, so he’s got his work cut out for him proving he’ll ever be better than NBA Champion Matthew Dellavedova
9 New York
- Kevin ‘Big Kev’ Knox
- This comes down to the Knicks realising they have to put more perimeter talent around the Zinger mang…
- And Kentucky weirdly buried our man… I reckon he’s pretty damn good
- Rumour also has it that Big Kev isn’t Australian.. I DON’T LIKE IT. He’s Kentucky Cam Bairstow
10 Philly
- Mikal ‘Mick’ Bridges
- They’re definitely taking ONE of the bridges… and Mikal’s a Philly area ledge already… and his fit next to Big Simmo & Embiid? Love it!
- Watch them trade this for Kyle Lowry or something tho…
- He’s American Ryan Broekhoff with better press at this point
11 Charlotte
- Miles ‘Kilometers’ Bridges
- The Hornets SHOULD take Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, but they will go for the older ‘character’ wing guy because they’re dumb… even though if the Hornets took Shai they could move Kemba for No. 8 or something
- But that would be smart
- Wait… Much Kupchak’s in charge now. Will the Hornets be smart!?
- Still, he’s essentially a way worse American Andrew Gaze
12 Clippers
- Trae ‘Steph’ Young
- It would be amazing if he fell this far, and I reckon the Clips will jump on either him or Shai.
- This would be great for Young to fall this far — if only because of all the dipshitted talking head bluster of ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUNG FELL THAT FAR’
- …meanwhile he’s a 6-foot PG who COLLEGE defences figured out in about 8 games….
- So he’ll be a great fit in disappointing Clips fans
- And also disappoint anyone who thinks he’s better than NBA Champion Patty Mills
13 Clippers
- Robert ‘Bob’ Williams
- This couldn’t be more perfect right? He’s a ready-made DeAndre Jordan replacement/Montrez Harrell 2.
- Watch the Clips then take Lonnie Walker IV or something tho…
- Bob’s Not Australian however, so I still reckon David Andersen could take him
14 Denver
- Shai ‘Shaivonte’ Gilgeous-Alexander
- I mean, Lonnie Walker IV would gives Denver a Wilson Chandler replacement of sorts…
- But Denver with a point guard that ISN’T Devin Harris!? Sign me up.
- If there was ever an American Shane ‘The Hammer’ Heal, he might be it…
… and whoever drafts Grayson Allen should get kicked in the nuts by Adam Silver
