In the first episode of NBA ‘Straya, instead of our daily NBA whip around, we whip around the league and talk smack about each team, grouping them into 5 categories: Contenders, Preeeeetenders, Hopefuls, The Making Up The Numbers Also-Rans and the Basketcases.
Here’s a quick summary of the results:
CONTENDERS
Golden State: They’ve won 7 straight, they killed Minny without The Coward Kevin Durant, and the Magic without The Little Dork Steph Curry … I think they’ll be ok.
Boston: Who knew that snapping the leg of your best player would work out to a 12-game winning streak? Their rookies – Tatum and Shemi and Theis — look ace, and Brad Stevens is coaching like he’s 1970s Ron Barassi… but smarter. And without running through basket stanchions.
Houston: Man, fuck Chris Paul. Of course the Rockets smash when he’s out. Just watch him come back and fuck it all up for them
San Antonio: THEY’RE 8-5 WITHOUT THEIR BEST PLAYER… POP IS A CIA-SPOOK WARLOCK/OUR NEXT PRESIDENT. Never doubt the Spurs. They could start a strawberry BIG-M and a six-pack of VB and still get 55 wins and the 2-seed. And even though he’s having a shit year, Patty Mills is the fucken best
A touching message from one island to another. People of the Torres Strait want to encourage hope & strength to the USVI @DuncanRelief pic.twitter.com/trhSr44kot
— Patrick Mills (@Patty_Mills) November 9, 2017
PRETENDERS
Cleveland: They stink… how did LeBron fall into the same trap as he did in Miami? He’s all like: ‘oh shit, lemme run the team… oh wait, ya’ll motherfuckers are old… I need to go a new team that’s young…’ THEN TURNED THAT YOUNG TEAM INTO AN OLD TEAM. TWICE! I’ve still not heard a good reason for them signing Jose Calderon AND Derrick Rose. And even LeBron can’t clean the losing stink off Jeff ‘Heartbeat’ Green. Goddammit. they’ll still make the east finals, but until they sort out their rotation and shit chemistry, they’re more fucked than my buddy Scott in high school who smoked bongs everyday in year 10 and ended up being a Safeway deli manager
Washington: Just not feeling it. John Wall should be an almost MVP but they lose weird games and something’s off. Trade for Boogie already and get me interested.
Toronto: Yawn. Sure they’re shooting heaps of threes and passing more… but until they beat the crap out of every other East team and do the same in the playoffs, I’ll never be convivned Toronto are anything but the St Kilda of the NB
LA Clippers: Speaking of St Kilda… I love Blake Griffin and he was my pre-season pick for MVP, but I just don’t know if Doc is any good at coaching any more? They’ve lost 7 of their last 8… goddammit
Denver: Jokic is awesome, but the rest of the team is, um, annoyingly crap? Man I’d like them way better if they’d gotten Eric Bledsoe
Minny: How can their defense suck and THibs be their coach? ‘ooh, they’re young tho’… get the fuck out, Boston are young as hell and only returned 4 dudes from last year. Sounds like they’re shit to me.
Portland: I just wish they were slightly better – I love Dame and CJ and Nurk, but who else is getting you excited on this team? The Villain? Still… they’re fun as hell and I’ll watch them any time. Just don’t reckon they can take it to the contenders
OKC: Everyone’s asking ‘oooh ohhhh, HOW IS THIS IS NOT WORKING, they’ve got three really good players!?!?!?! … OH GEE… DO THEY STILL HAVE THE SAME COACH WHO COULDN’T MAKE ANYTHING WORK WITH RUSTY WESTBROOK and The Coward (KEVIN DURANT)!? Pretenders for now… especially when Rusty stabs Paul George for missing another 3-pointer in the last minute of a game… the only time he hit one of those shots was in a Gatorade commercial
HOPEFULS
Detroit: They’re currently second in the East! BUT, Anthony Tolliver as John Salley in Eddie is my favourite story of the NBA Season. Detroit as a hopeful tho? They’re hoping this isn’t all a mirage. Is it tho? They’re gonna make the playoffs, right? Right?
Orlando: They’re hoping this isn’t all a mirage. It kinda is tho… At least while Aaron Gordon is shooting over 50% from 3. They’re gonna make the playoffs, though, right? Right?
Memphis: it’s misplaced, but their hope is just to get back to the playoffs… I mean. Sure?
Miami: Same with Miami. What is this team? Ever feel like we tickle Pat Riley’s dangling old man balls a bit too much? They paid a shit-ton for a bunch of role players around Dragic and Whiteside… so yeah, they’re hoping to, what, exactly? Make the playoffs as the 7-seed?
Milwaukee: They’re just hioping Giannis doesn’t leave in three years. Bledsoe is 3-0 with Milwaukee, and they’re also just hoping that he’ll continuing fitting in and not getting any haircuts anytime soon. Him, Giannis, Middleton, and eventually Jabari LOOKS ok on paper… but I’m mostly pulling for them, because of THE THONG SONG MAKER and #Free Delly
New York Knickerbockers of New York City: It’s the Zinger, and that’s it. Literally all of New York is just hoping the Zinger doesn’t get hurt and drags this sorry excuse for a team to the 8-seed
Philly: Joel Embiid is the best, but Ben Simmons might the greatest basketball player who ever lived
ALSO RANS – THE MAKING UP THE NUMBERS CREW
Brooklyn: They’re jacking threes and losing a bunch of their games, but at least they’re kinda competitive and fun
Charlotte: Man, fuck Dwight Howard
LA Lakers: Man, fuck Lonzo Ball
Utah: Erghhhh. Now without Goobers Gobert they’re gonna be more rough to watch than an hour of McGriff the come dog. Donovan Mitchell is amazing, and Joe Ingles as Toby fro The Office never stops delighting me, but Utah are 27th in points per possession . Gross.
New Orleans: Boogie is more fun than a weekend at Dreamworld, and Anthony Davis is basically basketball Godzilla, but FUCK does the rest of their team stink and you an’t trust them with anything.
BASKETCASES
Atlanta: who’s the best player on this team? German Rondo? Rookie John Collins?? Taurean ‘Red Bull’ Prince? Mike Buldenhozer?
Dallas: Poor Dirk; he derserves better. I mean, he’ll GET better when he retires and Cuban throws a private island and private plane and coterie of hoes at him… but for now it’s just sad man. He has to spend his last years playing Harrison ‘bad shot’ Barnes… brutal.
Indiana: C’mon… The Souvlaki King Domatas Sabonis and WIKTOR Oladipo aren’t this good. Tank you morons, or Myles Turner will do exactly what Paul George did: take the rookie extensions money then bail first chance.
Phoenix: Devin Booker looks like he’s in Year 8 and watching this once great franchise is more like watching a high school team. A bad one.
Sacramento: Blergh. That Sacramento stink got under Geroge Hill’s skin reallll quick: someone bleach his hair again and maybe he’ll remember how to play basketball?
Chicago: *shakes head* They’re just sad, man. They’re punching each other in the face, their best player is the Finnisher and they’re gonna spend the rest of the reason convincing themselves that Zach LaVine is good. Oooosh.
